dialogue with desire

It's a strange animal -- desire. It is intense in its urgency, yet it dies so slowly. The more you starve it, the bigger it grows, threatening to consume your every quark and atom. Unfulfilled desire is the most difficult animal of all. It is both fire in your belly and ice in your heart. How can one deal with something like this, manage a feeling that thrives on its unmanageability?

I'm dealing with this myself (compounded by regret -- not a nice feeling). At first, I tried kicking it out, forcing it out of my system because "I just can't handle it anymore". It wasn't working. These days, I'm trying to find peace by simply acknowledging it's there, letting it sit with me, trying to make friends with it...

"Hello, desire.

How are you?

I know you're in there.

I can feel you all hot and squiggly and eager to burst out of my skin.

I'm sorry I couldn't fulfill you when you wanted.

But i'm working on it.

Would you mind just sitting there quietly for a while?

I have to work on some things first so I can pay you the attention you deserve.

Can you please just sit there for a bit?

I promise we will have our talk and our time soon."

And after a deep breath, I sense that it stills. Thank God! 

Acknowledge, accept, make friends - sounds like a great formula for anything :)

Passion in the small things

"It is my passion in life."

The truth is, when I hear myself say that to people, I can't help but feel a little corny. I've even gone to the extent of adding a disclaimer, "I know it sounds cheesy but it is my passion in life."

It's not because I am shy of what I'm passionate about (which is being a pro bellydancer who trains as regularly as possible, performs, and teaches). It's just that, sometimes, it feels like such a scary word--"passion". There are so many meanings and expectations attached to this word. It proclaims so much -- a burning, an abandonment of sense, an all-encompassing consumption of your being that is daunting to experience in a world that may ask us to be pragmatic. Maybe I am not the only one who thinks this.

Since embarking on this life experiment, I've been challenging myself to use that word as often as possible, to make it a part of my casual, everyday vocabulary, to simply not be intimidated by "passion" and what most people say it entails.

And we shouldn't be, because passion can be in the routine, in the little things, and in the every day. I'm fortunate enough to know all shades of passionate people, and they show that it isn't just in the grand sweeping actions and bold declarations. It's also in the little things:

    in fixing a broken costume at the soonest possible time to be ready for the next performance, 

   choosing one word over the other while writing,

   adding just a pinch and not two of herbs to your cooking,

   mixing a drop or two more of yellow to paint that sunset,

   waking up 15 minutes earlier than usual for a meeting or presentation today,

   choosing to bring the bigger backpack on your trip,

   waiting 3 seconds before delivering your punchline,

   making your beloved feel better with a simple "I'm here"...

And we're already doing some of this! It's just the recognition that may be lacking - yes, folks, you may already be living the passionate life you've always wanted. You just haven't acknowledged it yet. Perhaps when we relate "passion" to the simpler actions we can be less afraid of saying it out loud.  It might even be a gift that will keep on giving -- making passion mean the everyday little things just may make these everyday little things feel grander.

The beautiful thing I realized is there is no pressure to express passion with fireworks all the time. It doesn't have to be that big movie blockbuster with the amazing special effects or that heart-stopping song with the majestic orchestral arrangement... It can be your everyday essential, a habit, a secret small thing that puts a smile on your face. And when we recognize passion also in the small things, maybe we can more fearlessly live ours.

what's your status update?

What we choose to share online is important, but it may also be worth it to look at why we share them. A too-honest read from Julie Gray over on HuffPo:

"You see, I am sitting in a café as I write this and I am knowing that if the air raid siren goes off again today, I have one minute and thirty seconds to hit "save", snap my computer shut and get to a bomb shelter. I know where it is -- it is right across the street. I have already done the one-minute thirty second dash twice in the past two days. I am surprised at how fast I can move. 

But while I'm doing it, while I'm grabbing my shoes, keys and passport and heading toward the bomb shelter, I'm thinking -- this is not happening. This is not real. But unfortunately, this is what is really going on. In this moment, this is my status update. And I can't wrap my mind around it. 

...
Here's my status update, my truth, my informed, on the ground take about what is "really going on." Sorry, I don't have a clever graphic to go with it but here it is: People are dying. Men, women, children. People. Death takes no sides. And the world is fanning the flames with ardor."

five more minutes

The alarm clock goes off, signaling a day of busyness that's about to begin. In your grogginess, you reach for the offending machine, hit the snooze button and enjoy five more minutes of escaping reality.

Today, I thought about what would happen if we changed our "five more minutes" snooze mentality. Instead of something that will feed our laziness, maybe we can think about 5 More Minutes as a test of our resolve and as a tool towards single-mindedness and hopefully improved productivity. This is a habit that many successful ones already have, but like many others, I struggle with it. Hence, this effort at a little shift in perspective. I hope it helps :)

Thanks to the brownie test, I've become quite addicted to testing my determination. The latest episode happened at work during a relatively light day. I was tempted to go on Facebook quite frequently. One time, I glanced upon the clock and instantly thought, "Wait, I'll test myself. I'll go on Facebook in 30 minutes." After 30 minutes, I got on the site but thought to myself, "No, five more minutes". And I've been giving myself five more minutes, and yet even five more minutes. After giving so many five minute sets, it started to seem silly to not go full throttle and just give it 30 more minutes, or (gasp!) an hour. In the process, I was freeing up time for myself to do work and little errands for myself. Bonus: I wasn't thinking about Facebook that frequently anymore, and I wasn't cluttering up my friends' feeds!
 
I couldn't help but think that maybe redefining the "five more minutes" snooze mentality to 5 More Minutes of hitting the snooze button on the unimportant is the way to go. It's like a strength-building exercise. Imagine yourself hitting a snooze button every time you're tempted or distracted, the 5 More Minutes won't hurt. Try it and let's build our anti-distraction muscle together!

a boy in the house

There is a boy in the house living with us at the moment. He is the grandson of our kasambahay who says she had to take the boy away from immediate family members who are not good influences. He is a wee boy, tiny for a four-year-old. He is cross-eyed on the left and his beautiful black and shiny hair is in a classic bowl cut. 

I took to him immediately. I love kids, but there are special kids who just capture your heart. When he plays, it's like he's making movies, complete with dialogue, sound effects and premises. He makes up songs in a snap. and he tries valiantly to help his lola around the house. 

His name sounds rich, Giancarlo, but he likes to be called Dagul ("big guy").

A few days ago I got him a banana-caramel treat from a coffee shop. When I looked for him when I got home, he was already asleep. His lola said "Ay kaya pala sabi niya uuwian mo daw siya (That's why he said you were going to bring him something)". The next morning, while he was playing on his play banig, I gave him the slice. He peeked into the paper bag, held it, and just looked at me for the longest time, at least long enough for him to blink several times. I thought he was going to cry or something (glad he didn't). He didn't say thank you (and I'm not sure he knows how to), but the look he gave me said it well enough. He took a bite and smiled at me.

The other day I asked him for a hug, and it's like he didn't know what to do with his arms. His lola said "Nakalimutan mo na kung paano yumakap (You have forgotten how to hug)". It broke my heart. How often did he get hugs where he used to live? And I couldn't help but admire his spirit--still bright despite not getting everything a child should be getting. I've a mind to send him to school (but will need to make inquiries). For some strange reason, I want him to have a good future, or at least a fighting chance. 

I knew it, falling for a boy is always trouble, the good kind. 

Dagul, my favorite big little man

the brownie test

I love brownies. I love them to death. Chocolate, with nuts, with oatmeal, with cream cheese... as long as they are fudgy and sweet and crumbles and goops, please, put them in my mouth.

I have a minor personal crisis today and so decided to order one. It arrived 2.5 hours ago. I had just finished a salad, yet I wanted to finish off the brownie immediately in response to the mini-crisis. I was having a hard time convincing myself to wait. I paused from all the rationalization, which gave me precious seconds to realize I could change my internal script.

Instead of "How and why should I resist this treat when I'm feeling so low", I thought "This is a chance for me to challenge myself. If I can succeed in this small thing, I can succeed in other small things that will build up to bigger things later". And there's nothing more motivating to me than a good challenge and the thought of growing the ability to go through even bigger challenges.

I gave myself until 3pm to eat the brownie, and I'm surprised to know that, in 3 minutes, i will nibble on this tasty thing and know for certain I can have more delicious experiences in the future.

you are not your to-do list

We always have a to-do list--whether it's on post-its, on your phone, or on your computer. We seem to be a generation of people driven by crossing out tasks. Even personal tasks that are fun and/or fulfilling now need to be inserted in a list before they can get our time and attention. The more items we can tick off in a day, the better. And I think that this is the very problem with the to-do list--it makes us put focus on quantity.

We know that the longer the list, the busier we are; the more we get to tick off, the more productive we are. I think we often fall into the habit of listing things to remind ourselves not just of what we have to do, but to provide us with proof of just how 'good' we've been. That's the trap. The equation seems to be "length of to-do list is directly proportional to my importance as a contributor."

But contribution, or an effective contribution, isn't always about the number of things we do. It's about reaching the right people with the right effort. And sometimes, it's doing the one thing, and doing it with sincere intent and purpose. Getting to the bottom of your list as often as you can expands your abilities, yes, but it might be in a narrow way. Whereas focusing on one or a few key item/s will not only expand your abilities, but your relationships and creativity as well.

So here's a thought: The value of our work (professional and personal) does not depend on the length of our to-do list. Imagine the difference it will make if the goal is not always to get to the bottom of our to-do lists with check marks, but to be able to put a check mark in color :)

On relationships: An empowering essay from The Minimalists

Do you find that you have relationships that just drain your energy or don't add value to your life? There are several ways to look at the situation and address it as discussed by The Minimalists' Joshua Fields Millburn. Another great read from a great blog.

i bet you're making resolutions...

...so I heartily recommend reading this essay by Joshua Fields Millburn of www.theminimalists.com. <3

"The point of my resolution was to prove I didn’t need to buy stuff for a year. But I learned I could actually change myself in the process. After four months, I no longer wanted to buy stuff on impulse. The endless desire to consume was gone. It was—and still is—a phenomenal feeling." 

today's makeup kit

This is a proud day for me :)

Went out today carrying the smallest cosmetic pouch I have ever carried in my *secret* years of existence. It's actually a coin purse--souvenir from a friend who traveled in Asia.

 

Mineral face powder, mineral powder blush and one brush to use for both--aaand to still assuage my vanity a little--liquid eyeliner and tinted lip gloss. So happy to know that I don't feel less pretty or that I'm not missing out by just bringing these makeup essentials :) How awesome to let go of feeling like I have to compete in the looks department :D

How about you? What little simplify moment are you proud of today?

lesson #1: the reminder

...and so this blog began with plans but seems to be taking a while to lift off. But I try not to worry; posts will happen when they happen :)

I've been on several trips since my first entry, and I've learned a lot about making travel basics even more basic. As soon as possible, I will share my Zambales, Palawan and Tagaytay travel stories and how they've taught me to minimize, minimize, minimize.

In the meantime, let me share the first lesson this journey has reminded me:

"It's now or never" is a cliche for a reason.

Just do it. I used to tell myself to make time for tasks, errands and goals, and like most people, I'd schedule these things. I realized, though, that that never seems to work. I'd detail down to the date and time what I have to do, and then woefully find myself scrambling for more time just to make another to-do list which often includes unfinished tasks from the original one. Quite a convoluted effort, don't you think? So these days, I'm exerting effort into not jotting down a task in my planner or mobile phone. I'm trying to just do it, and do it now. So far, the results have been positive--I am slowly decluttering without regret because when I follow the leaning to clean out a certain area, I do so mindfully and meaningfully; I have also become more helpful in helping keep the house clean because I don't wait to do the dishes/sweep the floor/etc. until "i finish this one other thing". I learned that just doing it now doesn't actually take as much time as I thought it would, and I won't be wasting paper and pen just to tell myself I'm productive. I know it and feel it because I actually do things.

Just do it. doesn't take a minute and you'll be spared the brain space and time it will take if you'll have to remind yourself to do it. Granted, there are a gazillion things vying for our attention 24/7 in this information age, and there's really never enough space in one's head to remember everything; still, I'm starting to think that to-do lists are a trap. Do we really have to do something at this time? And do we have to do all of them? So far, in my experience--at work and otherwise--what's important can never wait and will always "appear" to you, reminding you that that is what you should be doing. And that is the perfect time to address it :)

What I'm realizing is this: Fill the process of accomplishing something with joy and focus, and there will always be fulfillment--whether you finish that task/project/what-have-you or not, and whether you finish it on time or not. I realize it's a competitive world and time is money, but well, who do you really want to please?